Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
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I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
went fishing caught a bass
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.