So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
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“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.