You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
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Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
S O O N
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business