Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
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bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA