ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
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TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up