“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.