Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
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Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Worth remembering.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Wait a minute…
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.