Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
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When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.