Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
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next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Twitter is the new flypaper.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?