Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
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Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I feel this so hard
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”