“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
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Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Not all heroes wear capes.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”