*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
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Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.