Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
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WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Breaking news:
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have