Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
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No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
#Caturday
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
girls literally only want one thing..
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*