I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
You Might Also Like
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
[eulogy]
line?
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
#SaturdayBears
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Thursday
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
❤️❤️❤️
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.