Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
my retirement plan is braless
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home