doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
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Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.