Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
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date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Doggies just call it style.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
My loaf of bread looks terrified