me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
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Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
A woman drives into a bar.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
greetings!
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I’d use my best pan on you.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Straight people are cancelled
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.