Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
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Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
CUTE CAT‼︎
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.