Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
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rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
no such thing as a dumb question
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”