I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
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You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Okay, I’m still confused…
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.