Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
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what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.