oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
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“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I’m being attacked 😭
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around