detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
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That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Oh deer
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….