{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
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If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong