WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
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Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Wasps: bees, but not helping
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?