My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
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[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Maths meets science
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years