Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
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When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.