People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
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“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!