the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
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*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Raisins are grape jerky.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder