I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
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[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.