Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
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Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”