HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
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I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”