Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
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ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me