MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
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i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Netflix: We have Less
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio