Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
You Might Also Like
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
This story is comedy gold 😂
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
english majors be like furthermore
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.