Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
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I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*