Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
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Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”