Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
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Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case