It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
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*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?