{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
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The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
My background check bounced.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.