[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
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me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
My wife gives the best headache.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!