Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
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Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall