Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
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A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
calling in to work dehydrated
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
stop