Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
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– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.