What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
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It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
ACED my prostate exam!
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application