Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
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Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I think this should do it.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.