WTF IS AN ACRONYM
You Might Also Like
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet