me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
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I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
crying
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time